Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rules For Sharing My Bed

(from The Doghouse Diaries via J.M.G. - Please insert "his" where it says "hers")
When I saw this cartoon on the Joe.My.God. blog today I was reminded of my strongly held views on sharing a bed.

I am not at all opposed to a bit of post-coital smooching, cuddling, snuggling, spooning and chit-chatting, but once that is done and it may be time to sleep I want, nay I demand, total S-E-P-A-R-A-T-I-O-N of bodies.

You will know when this time comes because I will be up airing out the room, smoothing the sheets, fluffing the pillows and the duvets.

You will be given your own pillow and your own duvet, do not attempt to take my stuff. Leave at least ten (10) centimeters of space from any part of your body to any part of my body. If you snore, under no circumstances fall asleep until you have made sure that I am already sleeping.

Once I am asleep no rules apply any longer and you may take any liberties, I will not notice. Another set of rules apply when it is time to wake up.

For your own safety you are encouraged not to try to squeeze, fondle, hug or kiss me before I have showered, brushed my teeth, had my first two cups of coffee and have started answering your questions.

If you for some reason must wake me up, speak to me with a gentle and kind voice. Your life is at risk if you poke me, tickle me anywhere on my beautiful body or start pulling off my duvet etc. etc.

By all means feel free to talk with me about anything on your mind - I will not bother listening anyway - but do not start arguing with me or criticizing me until I have started answering normal questions like "Did you sleep well?", "Would you like another cup of coffee?".

Follow these simple guidelines and we will get on famously together!

6 comments :

  1. MY god..u are pickey..so you will be my buddy always but maybe not in bed :) LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Ziga, you can share my bed anytime, you will be quite safe! ;)

      Delete
  2. Ziggy takes a flying leap on top of you, upsetting the bed and starting a pillow fight while you struggle to wake up without your coffee. Ziggy whips open the blinds letting in the blinding sunlight and turns on loud rock music on the radio full blast and begins to nag at you about the chores he expects you to do that day! Then he initiates kinky sex ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Yikes!!! I am not sure ;)who will have pie in the sky first, you or I...

      Delete
  3. Bock, os haré mi perra caliente poco sueco en su cama. Haré amor apasionado a usted, y usted pueda disfrutar de mi olor después de comer frijoles refritos la noche anterior.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhh Ricky, amigo mio, I just added a new rule.

      Anyone who has eaten refried beans the evening before are - with firm kindness - bedded down in a couch my living room after they have finished making passionate love to me!

      Delete

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